It is a question I would shake off if I could. Oh, if I only could!

Who wouldn’t go for being cheered instead of being jeered?

But when it comes to being outspoken, I can’t just pin the blame on someone else.

At least not for something that is obviously my fault.

Meaning: if there were even the slimmest doubt about the fact I was the one that made the blunder and what was commended to me I took good care of, I might stand the risk of blaming someone else for it.

Unfortunately, there is no, so such suggestions will be sidelined for the time being.

Yes it’s hard to speak devoid of acrimony of a past that pervades the present, and not panning oneself when an image set for revamping ends up vampyrised by some frozen bloodstocks in a heart that used to beat for someone not worth it.

Clichéed as it might sound, and as it effectively is, admitting an error is the first step towards correcting it. And usually the hardest one. Most often it boils down to admitting it to ourselves, as our conscience usually works similarly to nerves: it does not allow us to exert too painstaking efforts or enter situation that may damage our self esteem, or just be painful enough as they are without causing long-term damage.

When others attack us, or, in other words, serv as our alter or outer conscience, we can say what we might but we won’t stop them that easily.

Therefore we have to be actually thankful to those who notice our errors, and especially to those who draw our attention to them. Of course some of them are malignant or at least malevolent. Even if we sense some malice in their words and actions, though, this is the time to ignore them and concentrate on the pain the content of their remarks inflict rather than the way they are delvered: looking for the cause of a symptom and not the way it appear, that is to say.

The hardest moment comes when you claim it was not your fault but you are asked a question the answer to it will inevitably shed light on the fact that yes, it was your fault and no one else’s.

This is where most of us come undone.

«Best» scenario: you lie in a way that makes it possible to get away with it. What lie can be ventured is always a matter of context – there are situations where you are a priori doomed to the bad or

worst scenario – you lie in a way that is that blatant that in the least bad case, you lose your credibility, in a worse one, you lose your status, in the worst, you lose your job, position etc.

People in higher position tend to abuse the fact they can come up with whatever pretext they can imagine drawing on their stalwart position. Untouchable they are. They consider themselves being so, that is.

But it’s not for fear of such situations we should ditch such options. Let’s approach this from the positive side of it: It’s the fact we can get to receive much more tomorrow if we today we face the consequences of what we’ve done yesterday instead of trying to dissimulate them.

Energy spent for comung up with excuses for mistakes can be spent on coming up with ways to correct them! Instead of making believe (most probably only ourselves) we do a flawless job and thus getting stuck, we can make it less flawful by admitting flaws and trying to avoid the mistakes we’ve made in the past. Don’t remove energy – invest it. Energy cannot be renewed – things that have happened cannot be made to unhappen.

It’s hard for me to shake off the question if I have a girlfriend (or, at my age, logically, a wife), and the question Why? is even harder to shake off.

But I won’t and will say the truth if anyone asks me this again. I will confess them my faults and will stick to my position that they are actually faults – I don’t need false clemency from outside. I’ve got just enough of it inside. Making (me) believe these were not actually faults will simply facilitate committing them again before even correcting them.

And wander I will the lonely, stranded shores…battered by waves of imagination, until the magic of my solitude shores me up to a reality when I am once again the one I used to be. Better off alone.